Toddlers look so cute and innocent, but they can have a dark side. Aggressive behavior like hitting and biting is natural at this age and a concern for many parents. Getting your toddler to stop hitting is hard. It is an ever-going struggle between your will and this little imp, that your parents hoped you get, for your sins.
It is especially hard if you have them in daycare. Because then you can’t watch your angel/imp, depending on your mood, all the time like a hawk. You have to rely on other people to handle the behavior. I remember the feeling of having the daycare staff telling me that E has been biting or hitting other kids, when picking him up. He’s the one with ADHD so we still get those conversations occasionally, and he is 6. But that is often when his frustrations don’t have a positive outlet, so even if it is concerning and we talk about it with him, it still happens.
When you think about it, it’s understandable. You probably feel frustrated at times. Imagine how much more difficult that is for a little one who’s eager to explore the world, but unable to express their thoughts when they run into trouble. So what can you do to stop your toddler from hitting other kids?
Helping your toddler with their frustrations.
If your toddler is non-verbal, and no, its nothing wrong with them, they might just be late. It might be a boon to start teaching them simple ASL words, just to help your kid to express their wants. You can read more of the positive benefits here.
We taught E some when he was a toddler and it helped that he could ask for food or drink when he was hungry or thirsty. We turned it into a game. Daycare also helped as they were teaching it there as well. Often he showed us new words he had learned and we started using them with him.
Why ASL you ask? You can ask others to respect your boundaries. Your toddler can’t. So your child may think knocking a playmate over is the logical way to get their toy back. Children are very physical, especially before they can speak. But you can teach them that they have options besides lashing out.
Positive reinforcement and close supervision can help keep the peace and speed up the learning process. Try these strategies for dealing with aggression in young children.
Preventing your toddler from hitting:
- Limit temptations. Some triggers are avoidable. Childproof your home by keeping fragile and dangerous items out of reach. Choose activities your child will find engaging. They probably like puppet shows more than formal weddings. But if they have to go to a formal bash, have a kit with you containing crayons, paper, and maybe a game or puzzle that the kid can keep themselves busy with.
- Change the subject. Keep distractions on hand. Play games or sing songs if you need to lighten the mood. Or pull out the pens and crayons so they can get some outlet with art.
- Enforce nap times. Your child is more likely to act out if they’re tired. Toddlers need 11 to 14 hours of sleep each day, which may mean one or two naps. A balanced diet and plenty of physical activity help too. A hungry, tired, and bored toddler equals a toddler lashing out in frustration.
- Talk about feelings. Help your child to understand their emotions and empathize with others. Discuss how their actions affect their family and friends. This is a good tip even for older kids that might have forgotten that others have feelings too.
- Rehearse responses. Practice what to do in various situations. That way your child will be more prepared for disagreements during recess and long lines at the supermarket. E has had trouble with this not knowing how to act in certain situations, but we might have gotten a hang of it now. He knows he should go away if a situation goes out of hand or he gets sad.
- Praise positive behavior. Let your child know you’re proud of them when they’re being responsible and kind. That may include resolving differences with words and taking turns. Remember this need to be reinforced often. At least for my kids. They are easily distracted by anything else.
- Monitor media consumption. Movies and TV shows contain a lot of violence, and small children are especially impressionable. Pediatricians recommend no regular TV watching for children under two, and a maximum of 2 hours a day after that. This one is hard, at least in my family. We try to limit it every day but with the way screens are ever present in our lives now it is hard. We adults try to limit our own screen time with limited success.
- Be a role model. When you’re calm and peaceful, you teach your child to make smart choices too. They’re watching to see how you handle traffic jams and rough days at work.
Dealing with your toddler hitting:
- Give time-outs. Used appropriately, time-outs can be safe and effective. Apply them immediately and keep them brief. Ensure that your child knows that solitude is for relaxation rather than punishment.
- Break it up. It’s often preferable to let kids work out their differences themselves. However, there are times when you need to step in if emotions are too strong or someone may get injured. So keep in close proximity without being a helicopter parent or smothering your kid.
- Go home. Public tantrums happen even when your parenting skills are top rate. However, removing your child from the situation can help them to calm down and recognize that their behavior is unacceptable. There have been times I have left a store just to let my kid calm down and be able to talk about what happened removed from the situation.
- Band together. It’s easier for your child to learn if each of their caregivers follows the same rules. Try to create a united front with your partner, grandparents, and babysitters. Though this is hard to do if your toddler spends time in daycare. They have their own set of rules and routines for handling aggressive behavior.
- Avoid spanking. A growing body of research confirms the negative effects of corporal punishment. Frequent spankings tend to undermine a child’s self-esteem and increase the chances they’ll use physical force themselves. And we want them to get away from the mindset of hitting when frustrated, not enforce that mindset.
- Seek professional help. If your child seems unusually violent and angry, your pediatrician can help. They can help you find resources for dealing with conduct disorders and other issues.
Most toddlers and preschoolers will naturally develop more self-control as they grow older. Until then, you can reduce aggressive behavior by providing a loving home, consistent discipline, and practicing peaceful alternatives to aggression.