Even the most well-behaved children have selective hearing at times. I have one of those. One day they don’t seem to even recognize that you’re speaking. The next, they clearly hear you but are failing to follow your directions. It doesn’t even have to be separate days. With mine, it can happen in a matter of minutes.
It is so frustrating when kids don’t listen, I know. But as parents, we sometimes inadvertently teach our children that it’s okay not to listen. These tips work on husbands as well. I realized this when I read through them and found I have had to use some of them on my husband. He and my oldest share a diagnosis so maybe it isn’t that surprising. So these are a good thing to use on anyone, not just kids.
Get your kids to listen and to follow your directions:
1. When possible, be in the same space.
Children are more likely to listen and follow through if you speak while in their presence. It’s less effective to holler down the stairs, out the window, or across the house. Stand in front of your child and say what needs to be said. And, with small children, it helps to get down to their level, instead of standing and talking down at them. Sometimes not even that works with mine but then I just move on to the next tip.
2. Remove distractions.
Stand in front of the TV, pick up the toy they’re using, pull the earbuds out of their ears, put your hand on the book they’re reading. Furthermore, the distractions available today are more powerful than ever before. So remove the distraction before attempting to gain their attention. Be aware though. If your kid is on the spectrum or has a neuropsychiatric disorder like ADHD, they might act out when denied their distraction. So try to be as patient and calm as possible.
3. Use their name. People are more responsive when their name is used.
Use your child’s name at the beginning of the request. Anything else can be interpreted as normal parental noise and is quickly ignored. But sometimes even their name is ignored. That one is hard to combat. I can’t begin to count the number of times I have had to repeat my oldest name, just to get him to look at me. And that is when we are sitting at dinner and he is looking out the window.
4. Give a reason for any direction.
Try to say ‘Put away your clothes so you can play before dinner’ instead of, ‘Put away your clothes’ A lot of children don’t like to be bossed around but tend to listen when a logical reason is provided. Some parents dream of being obeyed instantly and without question. These parents aren’t realistic. And bound to be disappointed. Kids are their own person, not an extension of you as a parent. Start treating them like it.
How to use your voice to get your kids to listen
1. Use appropriate vocabulary.
It’s not possible to address an 18-year old and a 3-year old in the same manner. Ensure that you’re being age-appropriate. Speak in a way that is tailored to the child in question. You’ll quickly learn how to address each child in the most effective manner. If not be prepared to be ignored.
2. Control your volume.
When you get louder, the child gets louder. Convey your emotion with the words you choose rather than your volume. Children can be sound sensitive and getting loud rarely has a positive outcome. Most kids are also emotional sponges and feed of your emotions, replicating them. Maintain peace and order by speaking at a sensible volume.
3. Be firm.
Children aren’t fools. Once they learn you can be outmaneuvered, they’ll continue to do so again and again. You only increase the likelihood of resistance by caving in on occasion. Your children should learn that resistance is futile. But then again rewarding is a different thing. But it needs to be logical and not just because you are tired of the resistance.
4. Be consistent.
Children are more likely to follow directions when you’re consistent in your requests. Inconsistency and children don’t mix well. They don’t understand when things change at a moment’s notice. Especially if your kid has a brain that is wired differently.
5. Offer alternatives.
Everyone wants more control over their life, children included. “Do you want broccoli or carrots for dinner?’ ‘Would you like to wear this shirt or that shirt?’ It may seem trivial, but children value having a little bit of control. Just ensure that you’re providing alternatives that work for you!
6. Be clear in your expectations.
‘Clean up your room’ may not be sufficient. ‘Pick up your toys and put them away. Then put your dirty clothes in the hamper’ is likely to provide more satisfying results. Give your child as much information as they need to meet your expectations. I have had to learn to be as clear as possible, almost to the point of simplifying it down to single statements.
And all is not lost..
I can only talk from my perspective, and these tips above work most of the time on my oldest E. He recently got his ADHD diagnosis, so we are all still learning. And If you have a kid with a neuropsychiatric diagnosis, you can read this post here to learn more about how to make their life easier.
You can get your kids to listen. Be consistent in how you speak to your child and be sure to use their name in order to get their attention. Remove any distractions prior to engaging with your child. With patience and a few strategies, you can have a productive conversation with your child that provides real results.
So if you have a “normal” kid or like me, a kid with a differently wired brain, try these tips and let me know what you think.