One of the best things you as a parent can do is help your kids set boundaries. Because boundaries help children develop limits for themselves and their activities.
One example is saying “no” to their friends when they want them to do something that they know their parents would not approve of or asking them to do something that makes them feel unsafe.
Other boundaries include telling your children to stop playing with something when it’s dangerous or telling them not to eat something that you know will cause them harm.
Limits are suitable for children because they can become impulsive and out of control without them. Children might engage in risky behavior that can hurt them or someone else. When they set boundaries, kids are less likely to say “yes” to things they shouldn’t.
Like one on of my favorite children’s authors once said:
“De som alltid låter barn göra som de vill har fullständigt missförstått begreppet frihet.
Det är direkt fegt att säga till sina barn “gör som ni vill”
Astrid Lindgren
A rough translation reads “Those that let children do as they please have completely misunderstood the notion of freedom. It is cowardice to say to your kids “Do what you want”.”
The boundaries we set for our kids will also help them navigate the world around them. This I have found is more important in a kid with a neurodiverse brain. They need to know what lines are ok to cross and which are not. My kids know that slapping or punching is not ok. Do they still do it when their emotions run rampant? Yes, they do. But they also know there will be consequences.
How can you help your children set boundaries? Try these techniques:
- Become a good example yourself. If you want your children to set limits for themselves, it’s important that they see that you set limits for yourself.
- Children tend to copy their parents. Instructions only stick when you practice what you preach. You might think you’re speaking to only your spouse. You might assume they’re the only ones paying attention. But kids hear everything. They pick up on signals about you.
- When you treat your spouse well, your child will adapt. When you don’t set limits for yourself, your child won’t develop self-discipline or self-control.
- Children who see their parents checking in with each other before making a decision are more likely to follow those guidelines and not pit the parents against each other.
- Cultivate physical boundaries. Everyone has the right to protect their physical body, irrespective of age. And everyone has personal space.
- For example, if your 5-year-old doesn’t want a teacher to hug them, no one should force them to ignore their resistance. They can say no, and no one should pressure them or judge them for that feeling. Trying to coerce her will cause her to doubt themselves and their boundaries.
- Show respect for the limits they impose. It’s important for children to know that they can make decisions.
- For example, a close relative may expect a hug whenever they visit, but your kid needs to know that they can make it a unilateral decision and refuse the hug.
- Physical contact like kisses and hugs should always be a choice, not an obligation.
- Decide consequences. When setting boundaries for your kids, let them know the consequences of breaking them. Before you decide on a behavior, involve your kid. Let the consequences relate to the offense. And ensure that it’s age-appropriate.
- Taking all these steps gives your kid a positive lesson on setting their boundaries and following through with them.
- Take your child’s boundaries seriously. When your kid has boundaries, their responsibility is clear. It makes it easier for them to prioritize tasks, make decisions, and deal with problems.
- Actively listen to them. When they tell you what’s okay and not, don’t dismiss them as unimportant or ridiculous. Make your kid feel like they have autonomy and that their opinion matters.
- Listen to your kid, even when you disagree. Let them know that you respect them and listen to what they have to say. Adults tend to dismiss the boundaries of children without thinking about it.
- For instance, when a child tells you they hate getting tickled in their pits, instead of saying, “Oh no! I don’t think you hate it that much,” your response could instead be, “That’s okay, that won’t happen again.”
It’s important to set boundaries for kids and help them understand when it’s appropriate to be assertive and when it’s appropriate to be quiet and let an adult make the decision.
As a parent, it’s your responsibility to set a good example by respecting your kid’s boundaries. When we follow the rules that we set for our kids, they are more likely to follow theirs.
But never forget to love your kids and show that you love to them.