Any parent raising a toddler knows how difficult it can be to maintain good discipline. When you least expect it, your kid is likely to throw a tantrum, while you feel helpless. And when they throw that tantrum, then is not the time to chastise that toddler.
As a proponent of positive parenting, you are well aware that spanking or any other form of physical punishment isn’t a valid option. And to chastise a toddler by screaming at them won’t work either.
And timeouts might not have the positive effect on your kid’s behavior that you hope for. This is no surprise because kids at that age can’t fully grasp the link between their actions and consequences.
Consider these words:
“Children require guidance and sympathy far more than instruction.”
-Anne Sullivan:
If this is our standpoint, why do we still try to chastise our toddlers when they do something wrong? Why don’t we work to understand them, guide them, or offer a good example instead? How do we train our kids to adjust well to life, without losing our minds in the process? Because it is hard, and most of us are reactive people.
Fortunately, you can control your own actions.
Toddlers learn a lot from observing and imitating. You have a chance to be a positive model. All you need to do is be patient with both your kid and you.
Being the mom of 1, possibly 3 neurodivergent kids I know punishment isn’t the right way to go, as it only escalates things. But my toddler and his older brother really know how to push my buttons sometimes. So I have learned that if I want to give either the toddler or his brother a consequence of their action it must 1. Be close to the infraction or misbehavior and/or 2. something they can understand.
Consider these substitutes to chastise your toddler and young kids:
1. Ask questions. Your kid’s misbehavior is here for a reason. Even when kids are young, you can talk to them and offer to understand. We often incorrectly assume kids are doing something ‘bad’ when, in fact, they are figuring out how something works. Their reasoning might be good, but the way they went about it left a lot to ask for.
- Seek answers. Ask: “What are you trying to do?” or “Why do you want to do this?” Listen and understand, then correct their behavior by offering the appropriate outlet or information. Never severely chastise a toddler or young child for being curious, you will kill that curiosity.
2. Take a break with your kid. If you notice your kid is having a difficult time or making choices you don’t approve of, go to a quiet space together and take a break. Or just allow them to go to a quiet place on their own. They might need to be away from the situation and calm down alone.
- This will serve as prevention of trouble, so it’s important to do this before things get out of hand. Five minutes of calm conversation, listening, sharing, and considering more appropriate choices for the situation can help.
3. Give a second chance. A toddler that makes a mistake doesn’t deserve to be punished. They deserve an opportunity for a do-over.
- Let your toddler try to address the problem differently and change their behavior. State clearly what’s not allowed, offer a positive alternative, and ask if they are okay with it.
4. Use a physical demonstration. Children learn from observation all the time. You are constantly their model, even when you aren’t aware of your own behavior. So, ensure that you are a good model in critical situations.
- A toddler might not grasp the connection between their action and your words, but if you demonstrate desirable behavior, they’ll catch up.
5. Give your child a heads-up. When you’re requesting specific behavior from your child, give them a heads up. For example, instead of asking them to leave the playground at a moment’s notice, tell them you’ll be leaving in five minutes. Most kids need the time to finish what they are doing, whatever the activity.
- A gentle reminder of what you’re expecting them to do is more useful than chastising afterward.
6. Read a story. Another creative way to help kids learn how to make better choices is through stories. Read or tell stories that include characters who make mistakes, have strong feelings, or need help. This is also a way of setting a good example using a character that your kid can relate to.
I have tried some of these with my toddler and it is difficult. My toddler is non-communicative. He doesn’t talk, comprehensively at any rate. So asking him questions and expecting verbal answers is a no-go. He is doing great with commands like “fetch your shoes” but asking him why he did something is like talking to a smiling and cute stone wall.
Nr. 5 is something we do on a daily basis. With ADHD(as I have learned from my kid), he needs to finish the episode or the building of lego before he is ready to go on to the next thing. Because that is a natural ending to his activity.
Switching from punishment to positive reinforcement is the best thing you can do for your kid’s mental health and further development. It does require patience and devotion, but it’s one of the best gifts you can give to your kid.
For further reading, I think my article on Disciplining Children with ADHD might be a good place to start.