Hands up, I will be the first to agree that breast milk is the best food for your baby. It has all the nutritional goodness a growing baby needs, as well as the antibodies that you as a mom have accumulated. Nursing can also help you as the mom lose the baby weight and protect you from cervical and breast cancers. It is supposed to be a win-win situation. But does breastfeeding make you a better mom?
What is a mom that is better than everyone else? Is there such a thing? And why should breastfeeding be one of those things that shows other people that you are a better mom for it?
It seems the debate into better mom-hood has come to the point where if you don’t breastfeed for more than 3 months, half a year or a year, you are a bad mom. But what if you had your child via surrogacy or adopt a baby, does that mean you are a bad mom to that child because you don’t breastfeed? Of course not.
Breastfeeding isn’t a qualifier on how good of a mom you are. But it still has become this event that you have to pass to get the stamp “good mom”, like natural childbirth. And then there are still people harassing women that breastfeed their babies out in public. How moronic isn’t that? We have a society today that wants more women to breastfeed but to only do it in their own homes. Same with pumping. I do not know how to solve that equation. Maybe one of you have a solution?
Storytime: My milk wasn’t enough. I couldn’t satisfy my baby with my milk. But that didn’t make me a bad mom. I was a bad mom because I put his well-being on the backburner. That I pushed through with something that wasn’t beneficial to either of us.
So switching to formula was a godsend. He was full for longer and now I had a happy growing baby. I was happy and more harmonious and I could hoist some of the feeds over to my husband so that he could feel more involved. Our second child was the total opposite. Suddenly I had something akin to double cream in my breasts, and breastfeeding was a breeze. So I have had both sides of the spectrum.
Why is there pressure on moms to breastfeed
The WHO recommends that babies be exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months of life. And babies should be breastfed on demand, with no bottles or pacifiers to be used at all. (I wonder how many follow through with this recommendation?) After 6 months, moms can start to give age-appropriate foods while still breastfeeding.
Breastmilk is the best food for a growing baby, but sometimes it isn’t a possibility to have a baby attached to your chest 24/7. Maybe you don’t have maternity leave. Or your milk doesn’t satisfy even if you have tons of it. Or you have a medication that passes over in breast milk and is bad for your baby. What then? If it is a medical issue, like medication, then it is ok to give formula. But for other reasons, not A CHANCE.
It seems the best course of action, healthcare and society wise to get more moms to follow through with breastfeeding for longer, is to put more pressure on the mom and implicate that she is a bad mother for not breastfeeding. Saying things like: “Just try some more and it will get better. Your supply will grow when you nurse more often.” or “You give him formula? but why when you could just breastfeed.”. Both of those I heard while struggling with my first child. And it was both from the paediatrician and other moms.
I felt so much pressure to breastfeed, that I denied myself and my baby the first months of happiness. I was tired, in pain and probably depressed while he was a hungry baby that was screaming all the time. And he wasn’t growing as fast as he should either. So I gave him a bottle of formula, he calmed down and started to be a baby that was playing and moving and just happy.
It was nice to not have that pressure from the new paediatrician we got when we moved and I had my second baby. She was just “How’s it going? Oh you give both breast milk and formula now. How is that working out?” She put no pressure on us to stop the formula. She just looked to the numbers of how he was growing and developing and was pleased with that.
So what can we do as a society?
Stop pressuring the moms to breastfeed. Especially the first time moms. Because as a first-time mom you are in your own bubble where you seek advice from everyone but only listens to the paediatrician, your own mom and maybe a friend that is a mom. Offer the insights on why they should be breastfeeding but don’t presume you as a friend, healthcare provider or family member, know what that mom and dad are going through.
Stop implicating that formula-fed babies are not going to develop as well as breastfed ones. My sons have had both and they are both clever, well-developed boys.
Let moms breastfeed in peace when their baby needs to. Or make it possible for them to go somewhere private, that isn’t the bathroom, to pump if they don’t have the luxury to be home with their baby full time. Or, this must seem like a wild idea, give them the possibility to get paid maternity leave for 6 months.
Because in many parts of the world, paid maternity leave or even maternity leave period, is a luxury.
Stop the mom-shaming already
Sometimes I think other moms are the worst. Mom-shaming is a thing people. I read this and got so mad for the moms that were subjected to it. I also laughed at the people doing the mom-shaming. Because stupidity will always show. But why does other people think that it is ok to have input on a complete strangers life?
If you can breastfeed for 6-months, a year or even 2 years, kudos on you. If you can’t breastfeed for that long, for whatever reason, supplement the nursing with formula so the baby still gets all the good antibodies from you. Giving formula doesn’t make you a bad mom. In some cases, it might even make you a better mom. Because having a satisfied baby is easy on your mommy mind. And a satisfied baby is a growing baby because he/she doesn’t have to spend all that energy crying or screaming.
I ended up only breastfeed for about 3 months with my first. That was our limit. After that, he got formula full time, and sure it wasn’t dancing on roses all the time. He got tummy issues, but he was happier and growing like a sprout. And today he is a happy 5-year old that is taller than other children his age, and with a thirst for knowledge and exploration. With our second, we switched from breastfeeding to formula after about 4 months. He still got his nightly nursings, but daytime he got a bottle with formula. He still gets a morning and evening bottle, a year on, but in between, he eats what we eat.
So rest easy and put the well being of your baby over ‘well meaning’ advice. And if you feel pressured, get a second opinion.