How can you help your older kids adjust and welcome the new baby? Because getting a baby brother or sister is a milestone in any kid’s life. They get a new title: Big brother/sister. It was big for my oldest when I was expecting his baby brother and later his baby sister. He was so proud and so involved. But there were also the outbursts and the anger, because in his mind (He has ADHD) I wouldn’t love him any longer when the baby arrived. So we pulled out a lot of these so that he got the security that the baby wouldn’t replace him, but add to the family.
So to minimize the family stress associated with a new addition to the family, you’ll want to help your kid/s adjust with these practical strategies while you’re expecting and after your baby is born.
How to help your children to adjust while expecting the new baby
Get an early start on any major changes to daily routines.
Give your child time to adapt to any big transitions long before the new baby comes home. This may include moving to a new bedroom, toilet training, or starting preschool. This so no regression happens. For example, your older child decides to go back to diapers because when the baby gets attention during a diaper change, they want it to.
Talk with your children.
Let your kids know what to expect. Give them a chance to ask questions and express their concerns. And they may have some concerns regarding if you will still love them. My oldest had concerns while I was carrying his younger brother. He flat out asked me: “Mom, will you still love me even when the baby comes?” It broke my heart. I assured him that I could love both of them and that he was my special Erik and that he always would be.
- New parents are bound to be tired and less attentive. Explain that this is just temporary and assure them of your love. Take a positive tone, but be respectful of any anxieties your child feels.
Read books together.
There are many children’s books and videos that discuss getting a new brother or sister. They can help your child understand the process and make it easier for them to talk about their feelings. And you can even get ones that are customizable so your kid feels even more special because it is a book about them. Like ‘Name here gets a sibling’.
Practice with a doll.
Give your son or daughter a doll they can use to learn how to hold a baby. Praise them as they get the hang of supporting the head and using a gentle touch. It can also help with sibling rivalry, because now your older child also has a baby, just like mom. We tried this with our middle child when the third arrived and it went so-so. He wasn’t that interested but we think the sibling rivalry has ended.
Share family memories.
Break out the old baby books and tell your son or daughter how excited you were about their birth. Look through their baby pictures and pick some out to display around the house. I have saved pictures of each child onto separate USB drives so I can go through them and choose the best ones for each child to print and put up.
Invite your child to participate in your pregnancy.
Bring them to your prenatal visits and see if your hospital will give them a tour. This wasn’t something that was possible for my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy, but my kids got to visit us in the maternity ward afterward, and my husband made an outing of it so they got to eat hamburgers and fries.
We also asked Erik what he wanted while I was pregnant, a brother or a sister. He wanted a brother. He ended up with one of each. But that participation made his adjustment easier.
- Some families even bring their kids into the delivery room. If you plan to do this, ensure they’re well briefed and have an adult assigned to watch over them. And be at an age when they understand more of what is happening.
Make your baby’s homecoming a team effort.
Give your kids a role to play. Maybe they want to select the outfit the baby will wear home or help send out birth announcements. Or put them in charge of deciding on the cake, to make the day more special. Do not forget to get some small gifts for every family member. This is so important, just because there is a new cute baby to cuddle, never forget the older ones. This will breed resentment and you don’t want that.
Steps to Take After Your Baby is Born
Spend regular one-on-one time with your child.
However busy your schedule gets, set aside time to give each child your full attention. Plan special outings or let them choose a book or game to enjoy together. It can be as simple as having the baby in a stroller and going for a walk in the forest or to a close-by playground.
Encourage visitors to notice all your kids.
It’s easy for your son or daughter to feel left out when everyone is fussing over the baby. Make a deliberate effort to steer positive attention their way. Bring them into group discussions and brag a little about their accomplishments.
My MiL highlighted this with my last baby, she brought special chocolate lollies to my 2 sons as well as their cousins that were also visiting, just so they wouldn’t feel left out.
Work as a team in caring for the new baby. Find age-appropriate tasks your kids can excel at. Even toddlers can help by smiling and talking with their new sibling. Older kids may want to pitch in with bathing and feeding. Let your family find its own comfort level.
Respect your child’s privacy. Siblings are great for teaching how to share, but your child probably still wants some items and places to call their own. Honor their preferences for toys they’re happy to share and possessions that they want to use exclusively.
Praise your child for their contribution to your growing family. Most of all, let your son or daughter know how much you appreciate them. Applaud their progress in becoming more independent and giving of themselves to help the family run smoothly.
Know this…
It’s challenging to deal with a new sibling. So give your children lots of attention and guidance to help keep harmony in the family. The relationship between brothers and sisters is a precious gift, so get them off to a great start. And if your kid is neurodivergent like mine is, take that extra time to really explain and involve them. They understand more than you think and it will help them adjust to the new baby easier.